(By a mother who created an autistic child)

01 Do NOT pay attention to your maternal diet. It does not matter if you eat McDonalds’s, KFC, or worse daily. What the heck? Eat processed food in abundance.

02 Put your new baby in day care immediately. I was so very, amazingly, stunningly bright that I put him in at six weeks. Do NOT monitor what he is fed at day care. Be so happy with sugar cereal and foods with no nutritional value. Lucky to have him taken off your hands, and why should you worry your head about what he is fed at day care?

03 Work as many extra hours as you can. I did. Do everything on your own and do NOT accept help. Make sure you are totally on your own with no older family members to help you. Make sure all family lives as far as possible away.

04 Do NOT ask questions about what they are injecting into your child. Do NOT wonder why the number of shots has doubled since your older child. Be compliant and ask nothing. Do NOT use the internet to ask anything. Be a “good patient” and take your shots.

05 If the daycare lady tells you that your child’s nose is running, and she wants him on antibiotics, do NOT question her. She is trying to run a business, good for her, and does not want “illness”. Put your child on at least thirty rounds of antibiotics and above all, do NOT ask what thirty rounds of antibiotics do to your child’s intestinal flora.

06 Do NOT question what the daycare lady is feeding your child. Sugar cereal, and peanut butter on white bread, must be great.

07 Never allow your child to be out in the sun. He/she may die from the sun and cancer. Never worry about Vitamin D levels. The lower the sun exposure, the better. Don’t we all know that?

08 Above all, do NOT ask inconvenient questions. When your daycare lady asks you to put your child on Eustachian tubes (surgery) do NOT ask questions

09 Make sure you never cook. You are too busy anyway, so why would you cook when you can get Taco Bell for your family with luscious fake beef in the form of soy protein? It is so cheap. What the heck is the difference? Do NOT ask.

10 When the (inevitable) therapy comes, do NOT ask questions. If they want to keep your child locked up for interminable therapy, and never let him see sun or the outside, do NOT question. It must be for a greater good. Stay OUT of the sun, and if your child gets a moment of sun, make sure he or she is slathered with sunblock so he gets no “damaging” rays. Do NOT let your kids play outside, as they could die from the sun.

If you follow these steps, you have increased your chances of producing an autistic child.

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