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Humour: In the Beginning

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s and Krispy Kreme.

And Satan said: “You want hot fudge with that?”
And Man said: “Yes!”
And Woman said: “I’ll have one, too…with sprinkles.”

And lo, they gained 10kg each.

And God created the healthful sprouts that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 18.

So God said: “Try my fresh green garden salad.”

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and raw coconut oil in which to cook them lightly.”

And Satan brought forth deep-fried canola oil lobster chunks, and barbecued steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man’s blood pressure went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in corn oil adding copious quantities of salt, all to be washed down with artificially flavoured drinks oversweetened with huge amounts of high-fructose corn syrup.

And Man packed on more kg.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra kg.

And Satan introduced TV with remote control, so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits as they sat on the sofa all evening.

God then created lean range-fed organic beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald’s and the cheap double cheeseburger, and then asked “Do you want fries with that?”

And Man replied: “Yes! And super size ’em!”

And Satan said: “It is good.”

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed…and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created taxpayer-funded Medicare.

Healthful recipe ideas? See Ann Wigmore’s RECIPES FOR LONGER LIFE.