1.     It’s not about you. In practical terms, it’s primarily about the family getting together and catching up with each other. Let all the personal issues go for the day; it costs you literally nothing to be civil and put on your best Stepford face for the six or so hours that are required. Not only is this easier on everyone else, it’s easier on you and your hosts will appreciate it.

2.     Express your gratitude, first to God, and then to the hostess. These holidays are signature events for the women putting them on, and it’s important to recognize them for preserving the traditions of civilization. Without them, none of it survives. Make sure you let them know they are appreciated.

3.     Ignore the political bait. Leftwing women in particular love to throw out ideological chum to see if they can get you to bite in order to engage in public virtue-signaling at your expense. Just ignore it. Family gatherings and holiday dinners are not proper forums for political or theological debate. No matter how silly or stupid the take, just smile enigmatically and say something inconsequential like “that’s really interesting” and then change the subject.

4.     Establish and maintain equanimity. Even if the turkey is baked to the dried consistency of a rock and the only pies are cherry and blueberry, keep your voice well-modulated. If you need to pass on urgent news about the state of the cranberries or the children to someone, whisper it in their ear, don’t announce it in a loud, panic-stricken fashion to everyone in the room.

5.     If you need a break from the socializing and the drama manufactured by the narcissists, excuse yourself, locate the kitchen, and start doing dishes while watching football on your phone. No one will disturb you or find fault with you for doing this, to the contrary, you’ll probably score points with the hostess. This was my grandfather’s patent move; while everyone else was forcibly occupied with party games or listening to one of the family monomaniacs perform a ritual soliloquy on the latest evils of the current political class, he was cheerfully loading the dishwasher, drinking a Dos Equis, and watching football. The man was a social genius and the master of every social situation.

6.     Give it a rest already. For some reason, whenever an activity goes over well, there is always one member of the family who wants to keep beating the dead horse until everyone is bored to tears. Less is more. The point of having a good time is not to continue it until it stops being a good time, it is to enjoy it and then move on.

7.     Listen more than you talk. Let the extroverts enjoy their little stage, engage in their public performances and tell the same boring, self-centered stories they tell every year without interrupting, rolling your eyes, or pretending to play dead.

8.     Be helpful. At least twice, ask the hostess if there is anything you can do to help her. Don’t insist, just ask. She’ll appreciate the offer and if she needs anything, she’ll let you know.

9.     If you don’t follow football, don’t try to pretend you know what’s going on. You’re not fooling anyone and it’s just embarrassing when you try. Alternatively, there is no need to inform anyone that you don’t watch football, much less explain why. Everyone can already tell just by looking at you.